Public Toilet Rules For Men

Lift the seat or SIT! This one’s pretty simple and is usually one of the first potty lessons learned by three year old boys. I personally think that ****ing all over the toilet seat should be a capital crime. When I become Ayatollah of America, this one’s a death penalty offense!

Flush your floaters! No one wants to know that you ate corn on the cob or had cashew chicken for lunch yesterday! After you do #2, flush the toilet and WATCH to make sure it ALL goes down the drain. If not, FLUSH AGAIN!

Don’t plug up the toilet! Dude, if your ass is so huge you need to use half a roll of tissue to wipe it, give it a mid-wipe flush! Half a roll of toilet paper, along with your mammoth turds, will clog most standard-size toilets. Trust me, it’s okay to send your poo-poo down to the ocean in TWO trips.

Step up to that urinal! I’ve seen some of you guys standing three feet away from the urinal. Come on! Who are you trying to impress? Ron Jeremy you ain’t, and no one wants to wade through the puddle you’ve left behind. Step up there, moron!

Don’t whistle! Nothing’s more irritating than having to listen to some idiot whistle in the next stall while you’re trying to squeeze out a stubborn one! I immediately think the whistler is a serial killer or some other kind of crazed deviant. Singing and/or yodeling is also a serious restroom faux pas. Keep it quiet, jerkwad!

Don’t talk to strangers at the urinal! God, I hate it when some f**ktard tries to strike up a convo while I’m standing at the urinal! First, my peripheral vision isn’t very good—it could be Charles Manson standing there next to me and I wouldn’t know. Second, I’m holding my goddamned tackle in my hand and I’m trying to take a ****! The last thing I want to hear is the voice of some Lonesome Joe saying, “Heh, heh, are those Dockers you’re wearing?” or “How’s about them Raiders, eh?” F**k off and DIE, weirdo!

Give us a courtesy flush! Hey, we’ve all had that explosive diarrhea from time to time. Happens to me every time I eat at Al’s Mexican Inn. But if you’re shooting it out of your ass like a Howitzer, have some consideration for the guy in the next stall! A strategic flush or two or three will sufficiently mask enough of your disgusting butt noises to give your neighbor a much appreciated reprieve!
Clean up after yourself! Once in a while, we all get a little rushed and sometimes we experience unexpected restroom emergencies. That’s okay; we’re human. However, it is NOT okay to leave a big freaking mess behind for somebody else! If your aim was a little off, wipe up that pee-pee! If you barely got your jockeys down before splashing in a big one, give the throne a little once-over with a paper towel before you leave!


Don’t smoke in the restroom!

Don’t use your ****ing cell phone in the restroom!