[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]

Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Monster is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Ross. So everyone, please put your hands together for Monster!

[The crowd whoops and hollers]

Jerry: Okay, now Monster you're here to talk about someone aren't you?

You: Yes.

Jerry: And what is this other person's name?

You: Staddon.

[The crowd squeals with delight]

Jerry: Okay, okay, well Staddon, is actually here tonight ...

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Monster, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Fotis!

You: What the HELL!!!

[Out of nowhere you pull out a Dildo. Fotis reaches for the Chair. Out of the shadows Quincey appears]

Quincey: Wait everybody, wait!

Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Fotis.

Fotis: Because I saw Monster and Quincey making out at Ben's Bum-hole-aporium!

[The crowd goes absolutely insane]

Quincey: That's a lie! I was home watching WWF!

Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Fotis?

Fotis: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Ross who has recently become engaged to Quincey.

[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Ross out here because Monster had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Staddon that's right!

Ross: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Staddon! You know how I feel about Staddon!

Quincey: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Staddon!

Ross: Because I knew that I could never have Staddon. But Monster promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!

Quincey: What about respect for my feelings!

[Fotis walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Ross]

Fotis: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

[Again the crowd squeals]

Quincey: Oh my God! Are you sick!?

[Quincey runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]

Quincey: Monster take me away from all of this!

You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...

[The crowd does its bit]

Quincey: Married?

[You nod]

Quincey: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!

You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Staddon.

Ross: [screaming] WHAT!!!

Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?

Staddon: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 98887455210 times if that's what you mean.

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Monster is married to Staddon who Ross has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Ross has recently become engaged to Quincey who was recently spotted kissing Monster in Ben's Bum-hole-aporium. Now on top of this, Fotis has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Ross.

Staddon: That's right Jerry.

Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.

[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]